Dial Tone
by marble eyes
Summary: AU - Ste's addiction to a new shopping channel gets him into a world of trouble, especially when the person on the other end of the phone is a certain sexy Irish man with a voice of liquid gold.
1. Part One

**Just a little bit of fun. This is a two-parter :) Enjoy!**

Ste Hay threw himself down on the sofa after a long day at work. He grabbed the remote and put on his new favourite channel. The woman on screen was beautiful; she had write teeth, a perfect red mouth, long eye lashes and a smile that would light up any room. But this wasn't what caught Ste's attention; in her arms was a piece of equipment that could apparently chop vegetables in less than ten seconds. He carried on staring at the screen, his eyes transfixed by tool. His life would be so much easier if he had it, imagine how many vegetables he could chop in five minutes! He wanted the tool, no he needed it. It would save him hours and make life so much easier.

He glanced over at his phone, his hand itching then back at the screen. According to the woman there were only ten left! If he didn't act soon it would be gone forever! He swore to himself and made a grab for the phone. It was only this once and he did really need one for his catering company. His breathing was heavy as he glanced at the screen, worried that the amount of stock left would go to zero before he had a chance to buy one. Ste dialled the number and waited.

'Hello, Chez Chez shopping channel. How can I help you?' said a husky Irish voice.

Ste felt his cheeks flushing, wonder if the man on the other end of the phone matched his voice. He had always had a thing for the Irish accent. 'Hi ya, erm I'd like to order your vegetable chopping product.'

There was a pause. 'Are you sure about that?'

Ste nearly dropped the phone in shock. 'Of course I am!'

'Hmm.' said the voice on the other end of the phone. 'I really don't think you want it.'

Ste glanced at the television again, now there were only five left! 'Of course I want it. That's why I rang up. I want finely chopped vegetables in the time it takes to make a cup of tea.'

A low chuckle vibrated down the phone line. 'You really believe that? You really think that small bit of plastic will do that for you?'

Ste resisted the urge to throw the phone across the room. 'Aren't you supposed to be selling me things? Not putting me off them.'

'What's your name?' asked the Irish man, ignoring him.

'Ste.'

'Well Ste, I'm guessing that's short for Steven,' said the man on the other end. 'You sound like a smart guy to me. Take my advice and spend your money on something else.'

'But,' said Ste unable to believe the man's behaviour. 'I really want one and the one of those free pens that comes with it.'

'Steven, don't tell me you're just trying to buy it for the free pen. Why do you even want one any way?'

Ste chewed his lip, glancing back at the television screen. 'Because it looks proper good and the woman on the telly makes them look well easy to use. I run a catering business and just think of how much time it'll save me.'

'It won't save you any time if you have no fingers.' he said bluntly.

'Why wouldn't I have fingers?' asked Ste.

'Maybe I should let you purchase one and then you'll find out. Listen Steven, you shouldn't believe everything you see on TV. Do you see that woman on screen?'

Ste glanced up at the beautiful brunette and the words: Now only two remaining. 'Yeah?'

'Well she's having an affair with her co-host.'

Ste's eyebrows shot up. 'What has that got to do with a vegetable cutter?'

'Not everything is what it seems Steven.'

The woman on the television's expression changed. 'Sorry folks, the product has now gone. But stayed tuned for our next item!'

'Now look what you've done!' said Ste angrily. 'Now I'll never have a perfectly shaped carrot!'

The man on the other end of the phone snorted. 'What about a perfectly shaped parsnip instead?'

Ste slammed down the phone and let out a frustrated growl. 'What a jerk!' he said to himself.

**Dial Tone**

Ste flung himself onto the sofa and closed his eyes. Today had been an awful day, four hours of pure torture whilst catering with his business partner Doug Carter. They had been catering a Ruby wedding anniversary, a posh ruby wedding anniversary. The day couldn't have gotten any worse! In the space of an hour Ste had been told his sandwiches were too dry, his sausage rolls too flat, his crisps too salty and the pizzas had too much sauce on them. The worst part of the day was when he accidentally slipped and the trifle he'd been holding flew in slow motion across the room and exploded perfectly all over the elderly couple. It was safe to say they hadn't received a tip.

He opened a can of beer and contemplated how none of this would have happened if he'd just had that damn vegetable cutting device. The extra time cutting up vegetables had caused him to be late with dessert, being late with dessert had caused trifle-gate. He finished the can and downed another, then another and another. About an hour later he found himself lying on the sofa with the room slowly spinning.

He switched on his favourite shopping channel and began to giggle at the woman on screen. This time she was selling a bread knife so sharp it could cut through any meat, even wood! Ste found himself mesmerised by the knife and how shiny it was; he went to stand up but instead found himself sliding onto the sofa and onto the floor. He lay on the floor giggling for a moment, until he decided to crawl over to the television screen.

'Oi you!' he said to the woman.

The woman continued to smile and ignored him.

'I want you to tell that Irish man he's ruined my life and my trifle!' he scrunched up his hand and tapped loudly on the glass screen. 'Hello? Can't you hear me? I know you're ignoring me, I want you to tell that Irish fella that I want my vegetable cutting device or else I'll...I'll…you know what I'll do.' he screwed up his face in what he hoped to be a threatening manor and shook his fist at her. It was then he noticed the phone sitting on the other end of the room. His face lit up with an evil smile.

It took him about five minutes to crawl across the room and then another ten to get the number in right. He'd had to make several slurred apologies to a Pizza delivery place, an all night tattoo parlour and to some random bloke called Jim.

'Hello Chez Chez shopping channel.' said a familiar and bored Irish voice.

'Ah, it's you!' slurred Ste.

'Yes I was me the last time I checked.' he responded dryly.

'You've ruined my life.' Ste slurred. 'Because of you I had to clean trifle from a seventy year old woman's breasts while she insulted my carrot because apparently it was too wonky! Then I got told it was too salty! I couldn't help it that my carrot was too wonky, I can't make my carrot straight on demand you know?' he tried to ignore the muffled laughter from the over end of the phone. 'This is all because you wouldn't sell me that plastic thing.'

'Ah Steven, I would have thought by now you'd have realised that there's better things to put your carrot in. Having a bad day, or is this just a social call? '

Ste pulled an ugly face 'Bad day! You don't know the half of it. The woman's daughter got out a ruler, a ruler! And she measured me sausage roll!'

'Was it not long enough?' he asked smoothly.

'Course it's long enough, no-one's ever complained before. What was she any way? The sausage roll police?' he laughed drunkenly at him own joke.

'As much as I'd love to stay and chat Steven, I do have other customers on the line.' said the Irish man smoothly. 'So if you're not buying anything...'

Ste screwed his face up. 'So let me guess this right, if I buy something I can carry on telling you what I think of you?'

'Steven if you buy something you can tickle me pink and call me Elmo for all I care.'

Ste pulled out his credit card, grinning to himself 'Right then...'

**Dial Tone**

The morning light flittered through a gap in the curtains. Ste Hay let out a groan and threw his right arm over his eyes. His head was spinning, his mouth tasted of gravel and the morning light was causing pink pricks to explode in his eyes. A noise alerted him to the fact that he wasn't alone and the curtains were suddenly flung open wide. Ste let out an even more painful groan. For some reason he was clutching his credit card.

'Wakey wakey sleepy head.' said a cheerful voice.

Ste opened his eyes a fraction and scowled at his friend Amy, who was standing by the sofa with a big grin on her face.

'Rough night?' asked Amy cheerful, her smile wavering when she noticed the empty beer cans and that Ste was still in his clothes from the night before.

Ste grunted and threw a cushion at her. He turned over and tried to snuggle deeper into the sofa. 'What do you want?' he mumbled.

Amy cheerfully headed back into the kitchen and about a minute later came back with a cup of tea. She placed it in front of Ste. 'So...' she said, throwing Ste's legs off the sofa to make room for herself. 'What's his name?'

Ste shakily forced himself to sit up; the room still consisted of many swirling colours 'There isn't a him.'

'Then why did you fall asleep with the phone next to you then?' asked Amy winningly.

Ste glanced down in confusion, he stared at the phone and then at the credit card clutched in his hand 'Shit!'

Amy's expression changed. 'What's wrong? Oh god, what have you done Ste?'

He closed his eyes, trying to remember something. 'Remember that guy from the shopping channel I told you about?'

'The arrogant one who wouldn't sell you the carrot cutter?' she asked.

'Yeah that's him,' said Ste biting his lip. 'Well I think I rang him up last night and had a proper go at him down the phone.'

'Oh Ste.' she sighed. 'Why on earth did you do that for?'

'It wasn't like I planned it or anything.' Ste said defensively. 'I was drunk and the television was laughing at me,' he paused when he saw her expression. 'Well that's what it felt like at the time.'

Amy picked up the phone and passed it to him. 'You need to ring him up and apologise.'

Ste shifted awkwardly in his seat. 'Do I have to?'

'Yes!'

Ste turned on the TV and noticed that the woman was now advertising an ugly gold necklace. Apparently there were only fifteen left, he glanced at Amy's neck wondering if it would suit her.

'Ste!'

He scowled at her, picked up the phone and dialled the number that was starting to become all too familiar to him. He nodded along to the music while he was on hold, ignoring Amy's angry expression.

'Chez Chez shopping channel!' said an unfamiliar woman's voice. 'Anne speaking, how can I help?'

'Hi ya.' said Ste, feeling slightly unnerved. 'I was wondering if I could talk to the Irish man.'

The was a silent pause. 'The Irish man? That really doesn't narrow it down love.'

'He's got a really low voice.' low and sexy he thought to himself, and then nearly hit himself with the phone at the thought. 'And he's got a bit of an attitude problem; acts like he's a proper know it all.'

'Oh!' said Anne cheerfully. 'That'll be Brendan, why didn't you just say you wanted to talk to him? Although wouldn't you much rather talk to me? I'm far more pleasant.' her tone was low and silky.

'No, I've got to talk to Brendan.' said Ste, testing the name out on his lips.

'You're not another one of his one night stands are you?' asked Anne. 'I keep telling him he shouldn't be using the company phone number for that, but he never listens.'

'No I'm not.' said Ste defensively.

'Alright, don't get your knickers in a twist.' sighed Anne. 'I'll just connect you through. Good luck.'

Ste shook his head at Amy, who still looked as if she was trying to burn a hole through him with her icy stare. He started to hum along to the music, happy to realise it was a bit of Cheryl Cole.

'Chez Chez shopping channel, how can I help?' asked the usual bored Irish voice.

Ste glanced over at Amy, trying to ignore the urge to slam the phone down. 'Listen,' he said in a rush. 'I want to apologise for whatever I did last night.'

'Oh it's you Steven,' said Brendan sounding completely neutral. 'Didn't recognise your voice, what with you being sober and all. How's the hang over this morning?'

'Not great,' Ste once again glanced over at Amy who was pointing at the phone. 'I didn't say anything too embarrassing did I?'

'No not at all Steven.' said Brendan, something hidden in his voice. 'Although you did tell me and quote that my voice is like sexy liquid gold.'

Ste slumped lower in his seat and let out a long groan.

'You also mentioned that it was your secret fantasy to do it with a leprechaun and then tried to initiate phone sex with me. I must say, it did turn around an extremely boring evening. I don't know what I preferred more; your slurred sexual suggestion of me rubbing me down with peanut butter and you licking it off or you snorting down the phone like some over excited donkey for over ten minutes.'

'Right.' said Ste. 'Well I'm sorry about that, it won't happen again.'

'Shame,' said Brendan lightly.

'Excuse me while I go dig a hole and throw myself into it.' Ste placed the phone down on the receiver without saying another word. He closed his eyes, trying to ignore Amy who seemed to have heard the entire conversation. He vowed right there and then never to ring up that shopping channel again.

'Well,' she said awkwardly. 'At least he's not trying to have you done for being some type of sex pest.'

Ste grabbed a cushion from the sofa and pressed it down heavily on his face. He wondered if it was possible to smoother yourself. A part of him was wishing that the earth really would open and swallow him right about now.

'You were right about one thing though.' said Amy thoughtfully. 'He does have a sexy liquid gold voice.'

**Dial Tone**

Ste Hay sat on his sofa throwing green grapes up into the air and catching them with his mouth. He tried to ignore that so far there were more grapes on the floor than anywhere else and that he had some how managed to only eat two. It was his day off and he was going to make sure he made the most of it by doing absolutely nothing. A loud banging on his door cause the grape he'd threw into the air to shoot down and explode into his eye. He cursed, angrily trying to rub it away with his sleeve. The banging was getting even louder.

'Alright! Alright!' he shouted, rubbing his eye more viciously. 'I'm coming!'

He pulled the door open and a dishevelled Doug Carter practically fell through the door. Doug didn't say a word, but began to pace between the kitchen and the living room. He looked completely distraught and wound up.

'Ste,' started Doug, trying to calm himself down. He stopped pacing and looked his business partner in the eyes. 'Our business credit card has been cloned. Somebody must have stole our identity and they've ran up a nearly one thousand pound bill.'

Ste's mouth fell open. 'What did they spend one thousand pounds on?' his mind boggled on how it would feel to have that much expendable money.

A knock on the door, caused them both to jump. Ste shot across the room and pulled open the door again. A man in a blue jumpsuit was standing there with a clipboard.

'Delivery for Mr Hay.' he said simply.

'Yeah, that's me.' sad Ste, trying to hide his confusion.

'Sign here.'

Ste grabbed the pen and signed on the dotted line. Getting deliveries was quite an odd occurrence for him; nothing in the flat was new. He tried to remember if he'd ordered anything over the last few weeks. He watched as the man disappeared back to his van to obviously get the delivery.

'You know what's the strangest thing?' said Doug from behind him, 'The person who stole our business account details spent all the money on that stupid new shopping channel. I think it's called Chay Chay or something, I mean what kind of idiot would do that?'

For a moment the world was still and Ste felt ice flood through his veins. He tried to laugh, but it came out as a more painful squeak.

Doug looked at his business partner and realisation dawned on his features. 'Please Ste, please tell me you didn't?'

The delivery man appeared at the front door carrying a number of boxes, all clearly labelled with the Chez Chez shopping channel logo.

Ste looked over at Doug, whose eyes were beginning to bulge. 'I can explain.' he said weakly.

**Dial Tone**

About two hours later Ste sat on his living room floor, staring at the chaos that surrounded him. The room was full of open boxes and bubble wrap. It had taken Doug half an hour to stop shouting at him, before he'd stormed out of the flat and slammed the door. Ste was actually thankful for the silence now; his head was pounding with the reality of it all.

In the last few hours he had become the proud owner of aloud of useless crap, including: a moustache comb, a pogo stick, a canoe, a diamond necklace, a china tea set, a drum kit, a life-sized pot duck, several garden gnomes and a chain saw. The last item was perhaps the one that he felt he would get the most use out of. He wondered how the Chez Chez shopping channel would take it if he appeared at their studios and destroyed the place. His business was ruined, but at least he had a canoe for if the area ever became flooded.

The phone ringing startled him from his depression and Ste crawled through the assault course of boxes to pick it up.

'Hello?' he answered, expecting to hear round two of Doug Carter's wraith.

'Steven!' said a calm Irish voice. 'I was just calling you to see how you like all your new purchases.' There was a note of humour in his tone.

'I'm going to kill you!' growled Ste angrily. 'What the hell am I meant to do with all this stuff? Your tricked me. I would never have ordered a moustache comb; I can't even grow a moustache!'

'Well maybe you should start trying.' said Brendan, trying to hide his amusement.

'How about you give me my money back.' replied Ste boldly.

'Steven.' said Brendan silkily. 'Why on earth would I want to do that? Because of you I've not only managed to secure my bonus for the month but I've also been given a free trip to Barcelona for all my good work. You wouldn't want to take that away from me now, would you?'

Ste bit down heavily on his lip. 'You're an arsehole.'

'This is why you don't drink and dial Steven.'

Ste's face twists with annoyance; he can almost see the smug look on the other man's face. 'You know what I bet you could easily give me a refund if you wanted to. But instead you just seem to want to ruin my life and my business. I've never even had one hundred pounds to spend on me self, let alone one thousand. I hope you can sleep tonight, because I certainly won't be able to.'

'Have a go on your new pogo stick, maybe that'll wear you out.'

Ste slammed the phone down and screamed in frustration. His business was in shambles, he was one thousand pounds in debt and an Irish man at the end of a phone seemed intent on ruining his life. But on the bright side, at least he had all his Christmas presents sorted.

**Dial Tone**

Ste stared up at the dirty ceiling of his flat, contemplating how his life was ruined. He tried to ignore the big hole in the ceiling which he'd caused by having a go on his brand new pogo stick. It had been three days and Doug still wasn't talking to him, plus there was now an empty hole in the business bank account. He glanced over at all the boxes for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. Each time he went to bed a part of him hoped he'd wake up the next day and it would all be one big nightmare. At night he dreamed of bubble wrap and garden gnomes chasing him through the streets of Hollyoaks. A knock on the door caused him to sit up, preparing himself for another lecture from Doug.

He opened the door and was pleasantly surprised to see a brunette woman in high heels standing there. Her painted red lips split into a smile and she swished her beautiful long hair behind her shoulder.

'I'm guessing you're Ste Hay right?'

Ste glanced down at her high heels and extremely short dress; she didn't look like a bailiff. 'I might be who's asking?'

'I'm Anne from the Chez Chez shopping channel. I've come to collected your wrong order and apologise in person on behalf of Cheryl Tenbury-Newent.'

Ste rubbed his eyes, as if he was dreaming. The words were finally beginning to sink in and he lunged forward and grabbed her in a bone crushing hug.

Anne pulled away, looking a bit flustered. 'You would have just thought I'd told you you'd won the lottery or something.'

'Sorry,' said Ste, 'come in.'

'Warren!' shouted Anne, waving her hand at the man leaning on the Chez Chez shopping channel van. 'Are you alright to come pick up these boxes while me and Mr Hay have a chat?'

The man called Warren pulled himself off the van and stood beside Anne. Ste had a sinking feeling that the man could probably break him in two if he wanted. He was tall and wide enough to be some type of bear.

'Keep your knickers on Mitz, if that isn't too hard for you.' said Warren, his eyes looked Ste up and down with distaste.

'Funny.' said Anne, her face twisting into an expression that showed she thought he was anything but. She followed Ste into the flat and didn't look particularly pleased at what she saw. Anne gingerly placed herself down on his sofa, looking at if she believed that at any minute the object may come alive and swallow her.

'Tea?' asked Ste, watching as Warren grabbed three of the boxes with ease and carried them out the door.

'I think I'll pass.' said Anne. Her eyes once again surveyed Ste and she seemed happy by what she saw. 'They were going to send Brendan but I argued that I would be a much better option.' there was something hidden in her voice.

'You do realise rat boy is gay.' said Warren, appearing in the doorway again. 'It's a lucky thing you are mate, she'd eat you for dinner and still have room for seconds.'

Anne glowered at Warren. 'Ignore him Ste; he's just the hired help. He's not my type any way Warren, he's much more Bre-' she stopped herself mid sentence. 'Any way, here's a form I need you to sign to say we've collected the goods from you. The refund should be in your account within the next twenty four hours. Any questions?'

Ste bit his lip. 'No.' he grabbed the paper and signed it. He couldn't quite believe his luck and didn't want to spoil it by saying anything.

'Brilliant,' said Anne, pushing herself up to stand. 'We have a free complimentary gift in the van and a muffin basket as a token of good will. I hope you will accept our deepest and sincerest apologises and this whole affair hasn't put you off using Chez Chez shopping channel.

'Thank you.' said Ste reluctantly. He distracted himself by watching Warren, who was just picking up the last few boxes.

Anne began to walk to the door, but suddenly paused. She pulled her phone out of her bag. 'Before I go, could I just get a picture of the two of us smiling and looking happy. Just so my boss knows I've done a good job today.'

Ste looked confused, but nodded his head in agreement.

'Oi! Chewbacca.' she shouted at Warren. 'Make yourself useful and take a picture of the two of us.'

Warren grunted putting down Ste's free gift and muffin basket. He grabbed the phone from her and directed it towards them. Anne slung her arms around Ste, who let out a noise of complete surprise as Warren took the picture.

He handed back the phone, his expression curious. 'I'll be in the van.'

Anne nodded and then directed her attention back to Ste. 'It was great meeting you,'

She winked at him and was out of the door before Ste could say anything else. A part of Ste had a feeling he may have been tricked in some way, but he pushed it to the side as he came to the realisation that his flat was no longer full of boxes and he was no longer one thousand pounds in debt. He let out a silly cheer and started to do a happy dance, he was glad there was no-one around to witness it.

**Dial Tone**

Anne Minniver strolled into the office of the Chez Chez shopping channel with a big smile on her face. She finally had the ammunition she needed and she was going to use it. She casually sauntered up to Brendan Brady's desk; the poor man wasn't going to know what had hit him by the time she was through with him. For three months she'd watched as that Mercedes McQueen had sat comfortably in her role, fluttering her eyelashes and becoming well known all across the UK. The female co-host job was meant to be hers, she hadn't taken a job in the Chez Chez call centre for nothing. Anne Minniver was never the type to stand in the shadows; it was her turn to shine.

She stopped at Brendan's desk and fixed him with a smile. Brendan Brady was slumped in his chair with his feet on his desk, chewing gum and playing with one of those rackets that had a ball attached to it by a string.

'And what do I owe this pleasure Anne?' he asked smoothly.

'I've just been round to your little friend's house, I made a very interesting discovery while I was there.' she said, making her voice sound as innocent as possible.

'And what would that discovery be?' asked Brendan, seeming bored already.

'Oh Brendan, don't act all coy now. I wanted to tell you that I know that the Hay order wasn't a computer error and that the records of the calls didn't just go missing, you deleted them.' she paused, waiting for a reaction.

'It sounds to me like someone's been reading too many of those crime fiction books.' said Brendan, not looking at all worried.

Anne's smile got wider. 'Well I thought that, but then I decided to have a rummage around your recycle bin on the computer. I found some very interesting recordings in there.' she was happy to see that Brendan no longer looked confident. 'In fact I found out that Mr Hay is a very naughty boy, I mean asking to lick peanut butter off some bloke he hardly knows that takes a lot of guts.'

'Anne.' said Brendan, a warning note in his voice.

'Don't worry your secret's safe with me.' she beamed. 'But I want you to do something for me in return.'

'And what would that be?' asked Brendan, his expression not giving anything away.

'Convince Cheryl to give me the co-host position and I'll delete the copy I have of that phone conversation. You know it makes sense, I'm so much better than that Mercedes McQueen.'

'Fine.' snapped Brendan; he tried to wave her away with his hand.

Instead of leaving Anne perched herself on his desk instead. 'You must think a lot of that boy, this is the first time I've ever seen you do anything for anyone other than yourself.'

'I'm just all heart Anne.' said Brendan sarcastically.

She clicked the send button on her phone and Brendan's beeped on its place on the desk. 'Thought I'd give you a bigger incentive to get me that co-host position.'

Brendan picked up his phone, his expression changed when he looked down at the picture.

'He's gorgeous isn't he?' asked Anne, a smile on her face. She wasn't a bad woman and she was all for them both getting what they wanted. 'I wouldn't say no to him licking peanut butter off my naked body. I'd go for it if I was you.'

She stood up and made her way over to her own desk. As she glanced over back at Brendan who was still staring at the picture of herself and Ste Hay on his phone. His expression was unreadable, but there was an intense hunger in his eyes. This was going to be even more fun than she first thought.


	2. Part Two

**Thank you so much to everyone for your wonderful reviews! I pretty much wrote the first chapter of Dial Tone for fun and was never even going to post it because I didn't think anyone but me would like it...so I was absolutely blown away by the response to it. I hope you all enjoy the conclusion to this! **

Ste Hay closed his eyes and let out a long groan. It had been a long day at work and Doug was still lecturing him on the dangers of buying too much from shopping channels. Ste grabbed the remote and flicked on the television, determined that his finger wouldn't stray onto the familiar channel number of Chez Chez shopping channel. His mind kept wandering back to the Irish man and how he'd saved him from the huge shopping bill. Ste threw the remote onto the floor and the picture on his television immediately changed.

'Not the news.' moaned Ste, trying to lazily reach for the remote control from his position on the sofa.

'In other news.' said the cheerful woman on the television screen. 'The questions are beginning to mount over the Chez Chez shopping channel product that has caused over one hundred people to loose their fingers. The product that was dubbed by the channel as a 'must have for any food related businesses but has caused chaos for the fledgling channel.'

Ste's mouth fell open as the product he was desperate to buy appeared on the screen and then footage of a very disgruntled blonde woman pushing a reporter out of the way.

'Mrs Tenbury-Newent is still refusing to comment on the accusations, but it seems the product is better at chopping fingers than vegetables.'

Ste made another grab for the remote to turn the volume up and went crashing to the floor as he overbalanced. 'Ow' he moaned, glancing back at the television which was now on a different story. He looked up at his hand, counting all ten fingers one by one in relief.

'What on earth are you doing?' asked Amy, appearing out the flat's other bedroom.

'Counting me fingers.' answered Ste, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. 'What are you doing here?'

Amy sat down on the sofa Ste had fallen off. 'Getting some more of my old stuff. The flat feels so big now all the boxes have gone, have you rang up and thanked that Brendan yet?'

Ste pulled a face. 'Why would I do that for? He nearly ruined my business.'

'But you did get to have a go on that cool pogo stick; I'm surprised you even let them take it.' Amy glanced up at the multiple holes in the ceiling.

'It was proper good.' said Ste thoughtfully, remembering how much fun he'd had on it. 'Have you seen the news?'

Amy's eyebrows shot up. 'You watch the news now?'

Ste pulled a face at her. 'Yeah, sometimes!'

'I thought you mainly watched kids programs, you really have changed since I moved out.' Amy threw a cushion at his head.

'Oi!' said Ste throwing himself across the floor to dodge the cushion. 'I've been thinking about something actually. You know that vegetable cutting thing I wanted? Well I saw on the news today that it's been chopping people's fingers off.'

Amy pulled a face. 'And?'

'It's that Brendan again, he not only saved me from a huge bill but from chopping me fingers off as well. I just can't figure out why he did it, he's a stranger. People don't usually do nice things for me without wanting something in return.' said Ste awkwardly.

'He's a bloke at the end of a phone. What could he possibly want in return?' she searched Ste's flushed face for a moment. 'You've got a crush on him!'

'No I ain't!' Ste answered back.

'Yes you have!' Amy said excitedly. 'You've kept that quiet. I think you should call him; they're only based up the road. You could go on a double date with me and Lee!'

'Amy shut up, yeah? I'm not calling him; he'll think I'm some type of weirdo or something. It was bad enough when I drank-dialled him.'

Amy let out a snort. 'Yeah but he knew you weren't serious, or were you?' she let out a shocked gasp. 'You so want him to lick peanut butter off you!'

Ste threw the cushion back at her hard. 'He could be anyone; a murderer, some bolding fifty year old bloke, he could be married or he could hate Cheryl Cole.'

'Nobody likes Cheryl Cole, Ste. You can't hold that against the poor bloke. For all you know he's a tall, dark, gorgeous man with huge muscles.'

Ste let out a snort. 'What are the chances of that?'

Amy grabbed the phone and tried to pass it to him. 'Just call him!'

'No, just give it a rest. I'm not calling Brendan, so just forget about It.' said Ste firmly.

'I give it a week.' said Amy.

**Dial Tone**

Ste stared at the phone, willing it to ring. He'd been having a staring contest with it for the last hour and it seemed the phone was winning. He glanced at the television willing for an item to come on the screen that he actually wanted to buy. It was typical the last two hours of the Chez Chez shopping channel had been devoted to all different types of make up. The thing that surprised him the most was that Anne (who'd come round the other day) had taken over as the face of the channel.

Ste turned his gaze back onto the phone and nearly jumped out of his skin when it began to ring. He grabbed it and then hesitantly raised it to his eat.

'Hello?' he asked awkwardly.

'Hello Steven.' said a low Irish voice. 'I take it your fingers are still intact and your carrots misshaped?'

Ste swallowed hard. 'Yeah, thanks for that. How did you know that the vegetable cutter chopped off fingers?'

'My sister owns the channel and I've seen a few of the complaints.' answered Brendan.

'Oh.' said Ste, feeling awkward. He began to chew his lip, desperately trying to think of something to say that would make him sound interesting. 'I miss the pogo stick.'

Brendan chuckled softly down the phone.

'It was dead good.' continued Ste, seeming unable to stop with the verbal diarrhoea. 'I didn't know how much fun they were.' He reached for the remote control and whacked himself hard on the head. Why the hell was he talking to the Irish man about a pogo stick?

'Well you lost your pogo stick and I lost my holiday for Barcelona, seems like its been a bad week for the both of us.'

Ste pulled a face. 'Why'd you loose your holiday to Barcelona?'

'Because of you Steven, well that and the fact that I lost the company one thousand pounds; but you'd think they would have gotten over that small fact by now.' said Brendan. 'I also may have eaten the first muffin basket they were going to send you.'

'You ate a whole basket full of muffins? I've still got some left from mine!' exclaimed Ste, sounding a mix between awe and disgust.

'I'm a growing boy Steven.' replied Brendan.

'The only way you'll be growing is sideways; bet you're turning into a right tub.' Ste twisted the phone chord around his wrist, unable to stop smiling. 'Bet you look like Homer Simpson in real life.'

'I see myself as more of a Hugh Jackman.'

Ste's let out a snort. 'Got a high opinion of yourself, haven't you?

Brendan let out a soft chuckle. 'You have no idea. I've got other callers on the line, try not to run up any shopping bills or proposition any men with peanut butter after I hang up.'

'I'll try my best.' said Ste.

'Good boy.'

A click on the other end signalled that Brendan had hung up. Ste sat on the sofa still holding the phone to his ear long after hearing the dial tone.

**Dial Tone**

'Call him!' shouted Amy.

'No!' replied Ste. It had been a few weeks and he'd pretty much been speaking to Brendan Brady every day on the phone. The two were beginning to run out of excuses to ring each other, so now they'd dropped the pretences and just did it any way. This was the reason why Amy was now pressuring him to ask Brendan out for a drink.

'Call him or I will.' she threatened. Amy picked up the phone and managed to dial in a few numbers before Ste snatched it away from her.

'Fine!' said Ste angrily. 'I'm calling him, happy?' he dialled in the rest of the number and nervously waited.

'Chez Chez shopping channel; Macca speaking, how can I help?' said a cheerful Irish voice.

Ste sat there frozen for a second and then shook his head. The person on the other line was an Irish man, but it definitely wasn't Brendan. 'I was wondering whether I could talk to Brendan.'

'Why?' the voice was suddenly hostile. 'What business do you have with Brendan?'

'I'm a regular customer of his.' Ste replied definitely, this man was already starting to get his back up.

'So you're another one of his dirty little one night stands then?' said Macca rudely.

'I'm not a one night stand, I'm a customer. I don't know who you think you are talking to me like this.' replied Ste rudely. 'You jumped up little shit.'

'Ste!' said Amy, sounding ashamed of him.

Ste waved his hand to silence her.

'Well this jumped up little shit is Brendan's boyfriend.' said Macca.

Ste felt his heart plummet in disappointment. 'Well good luck to the bloke, he's going to need it!' he slammed down the phone, then for good measure he picked it up again and slammed it down a second time.

Amy was silent for a moment as she watched Ste with worried eyes. 'I'm sorry, I feel like this was my fault some how.'

'Its alright.' said Ste, pushing the phone off his lap.

'How about I set you up with that friend of Lee's? The two of you will be perfect together.'

Ste shrugged, 'why not?'

**Dial Tone**

As Anne Minniver advanced towards him with a stapler, Macca saw his life flash before his life. He put his hands defensively over his eyes, clueless as to what could have caused this violent outburst.

'Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use this on you?' hissed Anne, her eyes like slits.

Macca let out an involuntary squeak. 'Cheryl won't be happy if you hurt me.'

Anne let out a snort. 'I'll be the least of your problems if she finds out what you've just done.'

Macca looked out from the gap in his fingers. 'I don't know what you're talking about.'

'You are not now and never have been Brendan's boyfriend. You slimy little snake!' Anne threw the stapler at his head. 'Who was it on the phone? It better not have been who I thought it was.'

'I don't know!' cried Macca, ducking as Anne began to furiously throw paper clips at him. 'It was some man; he sounded young with a Manchurian accent.'

Anne picked up Macca's eight ball. 'If I shake this right now, do you have any idea what it's going to say?'

Macca tried to push his chair as far away from her as possible.

'It's going to say pain is about to come you way!' she threw it at him hard and then took a deep breath. 'You have no idea of what you've just done, have you?'

**Dial Tone**

Brendan Brady picked up his phone with a smirk on his lips. He was about to ring young Steven again and he couldn't help but glance down at the picture of him on his phone. He quite enjoyed a challenge and Steven was jus that. He was taking the softly, softly approach of course; ringing him just enough to show an interest but at the same time leaving Steven wanting more. He dialled in the familiar number and waited for Steven to pick up.

'Hi ya!' said a friendly voice.

'Hello Steven.'

There was a pause on the other end of the phone. 'What do you want?' his voice sounding frosty.

'I've figured how you can make it up to me for that lost trip to Barcelona.' said Brendan smoothly.

'Well how nice for you.' said Ste, his voice still ice. 'Is there a reason behind your call? I've got to go out.'

'It's a customer service questionnaire.' Brendan answered, putting his professional voice on. What the hell was wrong with Steven today?

'Right, well I'm not interested.' said Ste, 'Now I've got to go, I've got a date.'

Brendan grabbed the stress ball on his desk and squeeze down hard on it. 'A date with who?'

'None of your business.' answered Ste. 'I've got to be at the Dog in the Pond in an hour, goodbye Brendan.'

Brendan sat there motionless for a second, as he heard the familiar dial tone. This type of thing usually didn't happen to him. He angrily threw a number of objects off his desk with one angry sweep of his arms.

'Brendan?' said Anne soft voice from behind him. 'Have you just spoken to Ste?' she took his silence as a yes. 'I think I know what might have happened...'

**Dial Tone**

Anne swatted Warren's hand away from her chips angrily. She glanced over at Brendan who was sat back drinking from a glass of whisky. The three of them never usually went out together and the whole experience felt very surreal. They were pretty much all on a mission to stalk and ruin Ste Hay's date. Sure it was madness, but the three of them had never done anything by society's norms.

'You could have at least ordered me some chips.' mumbled Warren resentfully.

'Nobody asked you to come.' replied Anne.

'Oh I wouldn't miss Brendan Brady getting a restraining order for anything in the world.' said Warren, shoving some of Anne's chips into his mouth. 'Besides I'm both your rides for the night, so you're stuck with me.'

'Shut up Foxy.' said Brendan, bored with the two's bickering.

Anne smirked at him, like a child who had just gotten one over on a sibling.

Warren pointedly ignored them both. 'I don't even know what we're doing here. We're stalking some boy you've never even laid eyes on and have only spoken to on the phone about few times.'

'You're not a romantic are you Chewie?' said Anne, taking a long swig from the glass of wine in front of her.

'I'm a realist Mitz. I don't see why Brendan doesn't just pick some bloke and go home with them, job done.' he glanced around and started to ogle a few of the women in the room.

'You're a pig, you know that? Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.' said Anne.

Warren's face lit up into a smile. 'That wasn't what you were saying the over night in my bed, in fact didn't you keep saying...'

Brendan slapped him hard on the head. 'I don't want nightmares tonight about what you and Anne do in your spare time.'

'I've got it all on tape if you want to borrow It.' replied Warren.

'You really are a despicable human being!' growled Anne, looking around for anything she could hit him with. She was distracted by a group of four entering the pub, one of which she noticed was Ste Hay. 'Oh my god, it's them!' she hissed.

Brendan's eyes immediately were upon Ste, drinking in every part of him.

'Shit, he's looking right as us!' hissed Anne, she picked up a menu and hid herself and Brendan behind it. 'Do you think he saw us?' she whispered.

'Well if he didn't before, I'm sure he has now. I don't see anyone else in here hiding behind a menu drawing attention to themselves.' replied Brendan dryly.

Anne lowered the menu slightly and noticed Ste was walking straight towards them. 'Shit!' she whispered, pushing the menu back up.

'Hi ya!' said Ste's cheerful voice.

Anne slowly lowered the menu. 'Oh! It's you. Ste isn't it? Sorry I didn't see you there.'

Ste raised an eyebrow. 'Alright then.' he glanced over at the man sitting next to Anne and his mouth nearly fell open. The man was absolutely gorgeous and had the most stunning blue eyes.

'It's impolite to stare.' said Anne, winking at Ste.

Ste's cheeks flushed red. 'I wasn't staring, I just wanted to come over and say congratulations on your promotion.'

Anne's face lit up with a smile. 'I couldn't have done it without you love.' she secretly nudged Brendan under the table.

Warren glanced at Brendan and then at Ste. The two seemed to be completely distracted by one another. He could have some fun with this. 'Anne you've forgot your manners. You haven't introduced rat-boy to our friend.'

Anne paled slightly. 'Erm, I was just about to do that of course.' she looked awkwardly at Brendan, trying to communicate that she was unsure of what to do. The minute Brendan opened his mouth Ste would know it was him. Call her old fashioned, but she didn't really think stalking was most people's idea of romance nowadays.

'Allow me, this is our work colleague.' said Warren, his eyes sparkling with mischief. 'Fernando.'

Anne kicked him hard under the table.

'He can't really speak much English.' continued Warren. 'So don't worry about introducing yourself to him.'

'Right.' said Ste, finally drawing his eyes away from Brendan. 'I better get back over there; I'm supposed to be on a date.'

'How's that going?' asked Anne.

Ste pulled a face. 'Awful. He's dead boring and his breath smells proper rank.' he cheerfully waved over at Amy.

'At least he hasn't got an awful eighties moustache.' said Warren innocently.

'True.' replied Ste. 'I better go, see you later.' He walked away from the group and joined his friends at their table.

'I'm going to kill you Foxy.' said Brendan, his voice low.

Warren rolled his eyes. 'The way I see it, I did you a favour. Now you don't look like some creepy stalker.'

'No!' said Anne angrily. 'Now he's some bloke called Fernando who doesn't speak English! Are you thick? Is your head full of rocks? How can Brendan ever try to start anything with him now? You've ruined everything.'

Warren scratched his head in confusion. 'I thought I was helping.'

Anne threw down a napkin onto her now empty plate. 'With friends like you Warren, who needs enemies?'

**Dial Tone**

'And then that's when I realised my cat had eaten my action figure!' exclaimed Ste's date in his high pitched nasal tone.

Lee let out a barking laugh and patted his friend on the shoulder. 'That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.'

'Why don't you date him then.' muttered Ste under his breath.

Amy elbowed his harshly. 'Ste!'

'Sorry...I mean that's well funny.' Ste shot Amy a look that said: Are you happy now?

'I've got a cocktail for you.' said Darren, appearing suddenly at their table. He placed it down in front of Ste. 'It's from a secret admirer and it's apparently called: Sorry Steven.'

Ste raised an eyebrow, but took a sip of it any way. The cocktail was delicious and he couldn't help but glance around for who may of sent it. 'Who sent it Darren?'

Darren shifted from one foot to another. 'They've gone now, but it was some Irish bloke.'

'Oh.' Ste took another sip and the cocktail suddenly tasted bitter. It seemed Brendan had been here and he hasn't even bothered to say hello. He vaguely wondered how the man even knew what he looked like, but realised perhaps Anne had pointed him out.

'I wouldn't drink that if I was you.' said his date. 'I never drink anything that's that colour. Makes me feel sick just looking at it.'

'Good job it's not you drinking it then.' said Ste darkly. He fiddled around with his mobile and made it ring. 'Sorry I've got to take this...Oh hi, yeah...god that's awful, I'll come back at soon as possible.' he put the phone down, forcing himself to look worried. 'Sorry I've got to go, the babysitters just rang and there has been an accident.'

'Babysitter?' asked Ste's date. 'Lee didn't mention you have kids.'

Amy shot Ste the dirtiest look, disgusted with his blatant lie.

'Well I better go,' he downed his cocktail and grabbed his coat. 'See ya.' he walked away from the table, knowing that Amy was going to give him hell for it. He accidentally collided hard into a wall of solid muscle and found himself falling backwards. A strong pair of arms wrapped around him and pulled him back into a standing position.

Ste opened his eyes, not realising that he'd closed them in preparation for his impact with the floor. His breath was caught when the first thing he saw was a pair of burning blue eyes. Their lips were inches apart and Ste felt the strongest urge to lean forward to close the gap. Ste couldn't ignore the goose bumps all over his skin or the way his heart was beating erratically in his chest. The strong arms around him loosened; for a moment Ste felt a pang of disappointment from the loss of warmth and security. He pushed himself away from the man, remembering he was in the middle of a busy pub. Ste realised the man who had been holding him was the same man who had been with Anne.

'Sorry.' said Ste, finally finding his voice.

'It's okay.' said a familiar voice.

For a moment Ste stood there frozen, but then forced himself to walk away from the man and out of the pub doors. As he walked home he felt as if he could still feel the man's blue eyes burning on his back.

**Dial Tone**

'I've never been so embarrassed!' shouted Amy's voice down the phone. 'You lied and made up kids Ste! What happens if the two of you go on another date?'

'Like that's going to happen.' said Ste definitely. 'The bloke's a weirdo. He won't eat foods that are purple, green or orange.'

'Well you're not exactly perfect!' replied Amy.

'No, but at least I probably won't turn into a serial killer like that bloke!'

Amy continued to shout and Ste put his mobile on the table and went to his bedroom to get his duvet. He threw it onto the sofa and then got a beer from the fridge. By the time he picked up his mobile Amy was gone fro m the other end. Ste turned on the television and began to watch the Chez Chez shopping channel.

His flat phone began to ring and Ste let out a groan as he picked it up. 'What do you want now Amy?' he asked angrily.

'It's Brendan.' said the voice on the other side.

'Oh.' said Ste, feeling the temperature in the room suddenly begin to get hotter. 'What do you want?'

'I'm not with Macca, I never have been.' said Brendan, getting straight down to business.

Ste felt the weight in his chest loosen a little. 'Okay.'

'Steven, just open your front door.'

Ste froze for a second, unsure of how to proceed. He placed the phone down on its side and started to slowly make his way to the front door. He took a deep breath, not sure on what he was about to find on the other side of the door. Ste yanked the door open and his mouth fell open when he saw the man he'd bumped into at the pub. Brendan still had his phone pressed to his ear.

'You.' said Ste. Brendan Brady in the flesh definitely wasn't Homer Simpson. He was probably the most attractive man Ste had ever seen.

Brendan lowered the phone from his ear. His eyes never leaving Ste's.

'You were in the pub.' rambled Ste 'You were sitting with that Warren and Anne. Were you...were you there because of me?'

'Yes.' answered Brendan unashamed.

Ste was torn between completely freaking out or kissing Brendan right there and then on his doorstep. 'That's like the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.'

Brendan couldn't help but feel relieved. Ste Hay was even better in the flesh than he was on the phone. He stepped forward and pushed Ste up against the doorway, his lips hungrily finding his. Ste practically melted into him, wrapping his arms around Brendan's neck and his legs ridding up to wrap around his waist. They kissed each other as if their lives depended on it, neither willing to let go or tear their lips apart. They finally separated and Ste's legs slowly went back down the ground. Ste clung to Brendan, desperately trying to steady his breath and stop his head from spinning.

'I brought you a present.' said Brendan huskily, he pulled a jar of peanut butter out from the inside pocket of his coat.

Ste let out a donkey like laugh. 'Not a vegetable cutter?'

'No Steven, but I do think it's time I showed you a perfectly shaped vegetable...'


End file.
